phase 4
Moving Blog here:
http://www.livejournal.com/users/logicalartist
Why? Because I feel like it
Feeling quite content about things.
You know, if he's not going to take the time to come on aim, email me or call me to see what I am up to or how I am feeling he's just going to have to be suprized. I do not need his aproval for things like this and I am sick of the only one wanting to comnuicate and he won't take the time to care so,
*
mischievously giggles and runs off to do something*
I knew the day would come that I'd start acting like my mother, now I must learn to not be like her or die trying.
(To correct this we’d have to look at the causes.)
She was always negative, and dad was always working. She raised me and is responsible for most of what I am, defiantly without any doubt responsible for who I was. I was stupid, stubborn (stupidity and stubbornness are completely two different traits despite popular belief, it all depends on your reasons for being stubborn), extremely argumentative, anti social, and very cold to the world. Very very much so till I met Phil, who calmed me and showed me what the hell love was. I didn’t understand it before him in the least.
I suppose my mother was always negative because in her own little way she is a perfectionist. Perfectionist believe that things can be perfect and thus point out all the flaws in any given thing or person, in that if they are pointed out they believe then that they can either change them or the person can, and thus achieving perfection.
I won’t even go into the thousands of flaws in this logic.
I don’t believe in any of it, but by not hearing anything positive I learned that what should only be pointed out are negative things, and anything not pointed out is automatically perfect.
My common thought when growing up is why the hell does mom hate us so much when we are really angels by comparison to all her friend’s kids.
But then again it took me a long time to realize the way she felt about all the things she never mentioned because she never mentioned any of them.
I am doing the exact same thing to James, point out all the negatives and ignoring all the positives because the positives don’t need any work to make them perfect.
Again this must be why mom was always honest with us, so we can deal with all the harsh realities of life, and became stronger to this harsh world we live in.
I was really strong, I could verbally defend or even attack a person to shreds till Christmas when all that shit happened and now whenever I hear yelling I cry and can’t deal with it at all.
All also due to her and her total lack of tact or understanding basic human emotion.
She doesn’t give a shit about feelings.
No wonder I am so logical, my mother who runs off of all emotions not giving a shit about anyone else’s emotions, or putting any value to emotions, plus my very logical father who actually makes sense to me,
It’s the only way I could go threw and keep living.
*peaceful calm sigh*
I now remember how it was possiable to live threw highschool.
I am so sorry to everyone, ralph Paul, espically James, for pointing out all the negatives and nothing positive. it's my nature since i've been so hardened to this world.
ralph told me the only reason james had for that obession was that james felt that it would solve all his problems.
It really would of only created more.
When James left last night I told Ralph something in a heart beat that i felt unconfortable telling james. not that the thing is important, but the fact that I felt more confortable telling ralph stuff is the problem.
He just is so open to me, when james won't even tell me his feelings muchless his thoughts.
I feel very confortable telling ralph things, becaus he won't hesitate to tell me anything on his mind at all. Today i got something in the mail today and my first instincts were to see if ralph likes the way it looks on me before i wear it.
Probably because he'd actually tell me the truth and not tip toe over anything, which is so refreshing.
james refuses to do such things since he can't defend himself at all.
I am not feeling very well at all.
kinda shakey and un certain and hormnal.
I hate myself when i get all emotional, illogical, irational, nonsensical pile of goo is what it feels like.
Last night I went out drinking, first ever time i've just gone out for the purpose of alcochol consumption.
my really good close friend of over two years Scott gave me a tour of the suprizingly plentlyful number of bars. We drank at the first one I had a nice sweet mixed drink, and scott had I think it's called a long island ice tea, drank it quick, got really tispy,
then proceded to confess to me that he was going to ask me out but james got to me first.
this would explain whenever i say i am doing something with james him getting all quiete and walking away thing.
*sigh*
if only i was actually attracted to scott sexually, then i probably would of dated him, this makes things rather confusing for me,
I really do love james.
but am I so shallow and primative as to consider emotions as my drive to be with him?
life is so confusing.
I think my issue is that I am trying to get back what I have lost. My bf used to be the only one in my life, and that isn't true any more and that is confusing me. Much more healthy to have good close friends as well i should just suck it up and get used to it.
I was reading this book recently and the character in it said god was change. She didn't explain why she beileved that, so I sat and thought about that for a few minets and realized well, that must be true.
Nothing can be created nor destroyed,
only changed.
not just with matter, but well everything I can think of.
Some random things I wrote in my art history notebook today:
Only thing I know is that I know nothing
Art is not created in a Void
Creativity is only your abilty to think
A painter only draws upon existig ideas and creations as a baker creating a new cookie does not invent sugar. If either are aware of it or not.
It is silly that people consider our preceptions as external.
*picture of blue ice apple*
This apple is not cold nor sweet. Those preceptions are internal state of affairs.
I think all the important issues James and I had, have been now resolved.
It's so good when you find a boy that agrees with you on all the things people need to agree on to get along.
Anyway we went to Chicago on the 25th 'cause it's inbetween our birthdays, the 24th and the 26th, 1983 and 82 respectively.
It was a really good trip we went to a lot of over priced shops with some either really nice things, or more commonly uber tacky things.
Had dinner at a fancy restaurant where james could get the best quality hamburger :)
Ralph bought a not as over priced as he could of gotten scarf, that was very soft and had a nice pattern. He also found some nice smelling things for the Ralph body. Some of those smells i've never smelled before or anything like them before.
We walked into White Castel on our way back for no other reason then to see what Chicken rings were, and we went to a big food store and I realized how much Sentry has been ripping me off. I found 12 english muffins for $1.29 and the ones I found at Sentry are $1,40 ON SALE for 6! I just had to buy some. james got a pair of coolish sunglasses, I think I like them better then his current ones but they are new so I need time to get used to them.
He has a beard growing in from lack of evil Mac D's that looks pretty good but for a few misplaced cheek hairs and some strange looking scruffy neck hair.
We hung out at Ralph's before going back to Whitewater burning things with napalm, showed us ammusing computer things, and watched Fight Club. I like that movie, it messes with your mind but has small bits of comic reilf for a good balance. I'd add it to my very short list of good movies i like in a heart beat. (I'm just not a movie person)
Ralph's gift he got me seems to be something that'd be fun. Haven't had a chance to see yet but soon.
The gift I got Ralph hasn't come in the mail yet, it has till tuesday till it's late, and he should be here wenesday so I can give it to him then, I hope.
yay for me and James's 6 monther tommrow.
